Optics are Everything
If you’re walking down the street and you see that your neighbor has just bought himself and his wife a pair of matching, brand spanking new SUVs, you will automatically believe they are doing well for themselves. But how do you know they’re not living off ramen for the next year to pay off the loan?
You don’t.
But you and I both know that we pay for optics and optics are everything. Your relationship is no different, even when your 5+ years deep. In fact, it gets even more important.
Appearances count.
Picture the scene; you’ve been with your boo for a while now, and one day you look over at him lovingly and you think ‘what the fuck happened?’ You know that he’s the same man you met in that upscale bar six months/a year/five years ago, so when did he go from swanky to wanky? You love this guy without a doubt, but he has changed.
Or has he? Maybe he has and maybe he hasn’t, but your perception of him has for sure, and that will color the way you think of him.
It works both ways, too. Guys, have you ever looked back at the babe you first started banging and wonder what went wrong? When she said she likes to spend Friday nights in her PJs watching horror movies, you probably pictured her snuggled up to you in a little skimpy shorts ensemble, or at the very least an oversized football shirt (preferably yours, because that is hot), with nothing underneath. The reality, though, is a pair of stained joggers (because they’re comfy) and a holey tee. Suddenly ‘It Comes at Night’ seems like a cruel joke.
The thing is, we do get comfortable with each other, and while that can be a good thing, who wants to be compared to a pair of slippers?
In the age of social media, beauty is everywhere so there’s a lot to live up to, and while most of it isn’t real, we’re still bombarded with images of what other people have, leaving us feeling robbed if our reality doesn’t match theirs. When that happens, well, that’s when the rot starts to set in.
Love is all Around
Aesthetics don’t just apply to people, though. Imagine you’ve been on a couple of dates with the woman of your dreams, and the time has come to ‘cum up for coffee.’ As she slides the key in the door you can’t help but think about you sliding into her. As she climbs the stairs to her apartment you stay a couple of steps behind so you can watch her ass as she walks. As she opens the door to her pad you think ‘what kind of shithole is this?’ and your hard-on plummets faster than a roller coaster plunging over the edge.
She’s oblivious to it though, and you still want to get laid so you go along with it, trying to hold your breath because it smells worse than a teenage boy’s sock (her apartment, not your breath). You try, you really try, but with what looks like a year’s worth of laundry on the floor and peeling wallpaper, you’ve lost the will to live never mind lust, and you disappear. The coffee is the only thing that’s going to be grinding in that hell hole.
She’s still the same woman, but the aesthetics are all wrong, and if opening her door reveals such a dire mess, you can’t help but wonder what opening her legs will reveal. And not only that; if her surroundings are so disorderly, her mind is probably even worse.
With a Little Help from your Friends
You might think that being the most attractive member of your peer group automatically makes you stand out, but actually you’re wrong. A phenomenon known as The Cheerleader Effect indicates the opposite; that you will appear more attractive when surrounded by attractive people. Conversely, if you surround yourself with ugly people, you will be seen in the same light. It’s harsh, but true.
If you’ve ever suffered the indignity of online dating, think about the profile photos; are all his photos, just selfies taken in the bathroom mirror, or is he surrounded by well-dressed friends? Is he holding up a fish he caught to subliminally suggest he has a big dick, or do the sleeves of his very well filled dress shirt tell you all you need to know about his physique? And it’s the same with women; is she showing you her cat (now if it was her pussy that would send an altogether different message and you’d hope it was a selfie), or is she snapped having dinner with half a dozen beautiful women? You will automatically favor the ones where they are surrounded by shiny, happy people. Friends, like furnishings, tell a story about the person you want to get to know.
Handbags and Gladrags
When Kelly Jones from Stereophonics sang ‘Once I was a young man, and all I thought I had to do was smile,’ he was clearly talking about the importance of a good wardrobe. He had learned, evidently, that a good grin could only get you so far, and while smiling is for sure one of the most attractive things you can wear, you need the threads to go with it.
Clothes are the equivalent of gift wrap. Something that has been dressed in pretty, shiny paper and tied up with a bow will get you excited even before you tear off the first piece of tape. Stick the same gift in a gritty plastic bag that held last week’s takeout, though, and what’s inside has suddenly lost its appeal. Do you want to be in the plastic bag? No, you do not.
Food Porn
Like so many things in life, when it comes to food, presentation is key. Whether you’re eating out or eating in, how the food is arranged on a plate will determine how enjoyable it is. The same chef could cook two identical meals, but if one of them is slapped on the plate like it’s been dished up in Rikers, it’s not going to taste half as nice as if it’s been thoughtfully presented in an aesthetically pleasing way. A stunning plate will get the juices flowing in more ways than one, and that’s before the forking even begins.
So, How Do You Keep It Up?
Literally or cliterally, keeping it up is a whole lot easier when you put a little thought into it, and by taking on board some of the points raised here, you can keep the spark alive even when the first ferocious flames have died down.
We’ve all been told that looks don’t matter by well-meaning parents, teachers, and therapists, but I call bullshit. Looks do matter. Why do you think stores hire people to dress their windows if it’s not to entice people inside?
If you’re a guy, keeping up appearances can be as simple as making sure you’re clean-shaven, or, if you are fond of your facial hair, neatly groomed. A beard can be a real asset in bed, so draw attention to it by keeping it trim and she will be thinking about you going down on her every time she sees you.
Ladies have a lot more scope. Those PJs we mentioned? There’s nothing wrong with kicking back on a Friday night in comfies, but for the love of all humanity, ditch the stain for satin (ha, see what I did there?) and he won’t even notice what movie is on because he’ll be wondering how that silky robe feels against your skin.
Make-up is another tool in a gal’s box, and while we don’t suggest you go to the extremes, it is a great illustration of how we can improve our looks by making the most of what we have.
Your home is another area which can make or break the romance. Mood lighting, candles, and nice décor don’t have to cost a lot, and keeping it clean and tidy can make all the difference. While getting a hair in your mouth is a risk you take during oral sex, for instance, you want to know the hair is at least human.
You might be fed up with cooking every night, but the mouth is one of the sexiest parts of a person, and even the most mundane of meatless Mondays can be turned into foreplay. So many foods are symbolic of genitals, so get your groove on by dishing up asparagus and sliding it playfully into your mouth or take your time over oysters as you literally lick them out (figs are also good if you don’t like shellfish). The point is, let your food tell a story and watch both your appetites return.
Fortunately for the vast majority of us, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we don’t all have to be classically beautiful to be drop-dead gorgeous. While science has indicated that beauty is to do with symmetry and measurement, none of us can rearrange our features like Mr. Potato Head, so even if we look like Pablo Picasso’s worst nightmare, we can find other ways to make ourselves more appealing.