Your Headspace Matters
We’ve all heard that there’s more to a relationship than sex, but that trope is usually rolled out by people whose sex life has gone down the drain. Of course, great sex alone doesn’t mean a partnership will work out, but if you want a healthy, happy, and balanced relationship, sex is a big part of that.
Think back to those (giving) heady days at the start of your relationship; something must have worked, because most people would give it up as a bad job if there was no chemistry right from the beginning. So, if it was good in the beginning, what went wrong? Well, there’s an old saying that one swallow does not a summer make (although one swallow might be all it takes for him to decide you’re a keeper!), meaning that you both need to work at it to keep things good.
And it all starts in your head.
A study published in Psychology Today found that people with a sexual growth mindset had the happiest relationships; in other words, people who believe that being good in bed is a learned skill - and not something we’ve either got or we haven’t - have the most fulfilling sex lives, not to mention the happiest relationships.
What is a Sexual Growth Mindset?
A sexual growth mindset – or having a healthy headspace – means that you are open to learning how to improve your performance, and that includes being willing to try new things.
On the other hand, a sexual destiny mindset is the belief that if you’re compatible you’re compatible, and if you’re not, then you can blame fate; honestly, that’s a crock of shit and a perfect excuse for not pulling your weight in the bedroom. You might live by the adage ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’ but if your sex life is just ‘okay,’ then honey, it’s already broken.
The good news is, fixing it is a whole lot of fun!
According to Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, we all fall into one of these two categories, and she says that those who belong to the growth mindset are the ones who will have the most successful relationships.
Those who follow the fatalist group – believing that what is just is and can’t be changed – have decidedly less happy relationships than those who subscribed to the growth group, because these beliefs don’t just affect our sex lives, but every facet of our lives.
There’s an episode of Sex and the City in which Miranda finds that her partner de jour, Josh, cannot give her an orgasm, and eventually she tells him that she’s been faking her orgasms. Many men would be affronted by this, but not Josh, who asked Miranda to show him exactly what he needed to do to make her come. That, right there, is a growth mindset. Sadly, for him, Miranda belonged to the fixed mindset and decided that they just weren’t compatible. Actually, the loss there would have been Miranda’s, because a man (or a woman) who is willing to put their ego aside and learn what their partner needs and how to do it is worth their weight in gold.
How Can a Growth Mindset Improve My Relationship?
We’ve established that having a growth mindset makes you a better lover, but it will also make you a better husband/wife/partner in all other aspects, too. For example, imagine you’re struggling with the cost of living and your salary just isn’t cutting it. If you believe that that’s your lot, then you’ll stay struggling, but if you believe you can change your present and your future, you will do whatever it takes to increase your standard of living, for yourself and your partner.
Or, let’s say your partner isn’t a dab hand in the kitchen so the cooking always falls to you. After working all day every day, you must come home and cook, too. But your partner doesn’t want to be crap at cooking, and he wants to change that. So, he does. He takes lessons, he watches YouTube videos, he buys cookery books...he wants to be a better cook, so he becomes one. Not only will he expand his talents, but he will make your life easier, too. In turn, you will be touched by his efforts, and grateful for the break, so you will want to reciprocate. On the other hand, a fixed mindset would see him just giving up on cooking and leaving it all to you. Is that going to improve your relationship? No.
How do I Use my Headspace to Improve my Sex Life?
Great sex is all in your head, and by this we mean that if your mind isn’t on the job, then your body won’t be, either. While lying back and thinking of England/America/the shopping will get the job done, do you really want sex to be another chore, something to be checked off the to-do list?
You need to turn your mindset around from a negative to a positive, and while that can be difficult, it’s not impossible. Fortunately, the more you try it, the easier it becomes.
For example, if you find yourself worrying about how your body looks every time you get down and dirty with your partner, remind yourself that he/she keeps coming back for more, so clearly, they love what they’re loving.
Another hurdle fixed mindset people face is asking, or rather not asking, for what they want. Ok, it might be awkward at first, but hell...the payoff is so worth it! Don’t save face if you want her to sit on yours; just tell her. This causes the nipple...sorry, ripple...effect, because if your partner sees you asking for what you want, they in turn will feel emboldened to tell you what they like, and before you know it, your fucking is on fire. All because you shifted your mindset.
Be in the Moment
One of the best ways to improve your sex life and therefore your relationship is to learn how to be in the moment. That might sound a little sandals and candles to you, but believe us when we say hippies know what they’re talking about; after all, who invented free love?
But what does ‘being in the moment’ mean? Well, it means experiencing what’s going on, as it’s going on. It means being ‘present’ instead of letting your mind wander. It means really using all your senses to capture that moment, noticing how your partner’s skin smells, for example, the feel of the sheets, or stairs, or sofa beneath you, how your partner’s eyes looks as they come, taking in the sounds they make, the music playing, and of course, how they taste. But just like you can sometimes drive from A to B and not remember the journey, you can have sex without noticing any of these things. Not being in the moment.
Luckily there are lots of ways to change your mindset and be present during sex:
Hide. Your. Phones.
You know and we know, no matter how hard you’re going at it, if your phone rings or a text pings, your mind will automatically wonder who it is from. Even if you carry on like jack rabbits, you’ve lost that mindful connection and you’ll no longer be present. Turn the damn things off, lock them in a closet, or even better, leave them in another room. That doesn’t mean rushing off to check them with cum still dripping down your leg; it means leaving them off until the next morning so you can enjoy just simply ‘being’ with your partner.
Learn to focus
If you get easily distracted, sex can feel like an onslaught of the senses, so learn to focus on just one for now. For instance, if it’s the smell of his cologne or her perfume, concentrate on that. Let that fill your mind, because you can’t be distracted if you are honing in one thing. Before long it will come naturally to you, and you’ll be able to pull your attention back any time you find it wandering.
Give your thoughts their own place
We get it, life is frenetic, and the pressures of work, or family life, or finances will intrude from time to time. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, find a mental place to store those thoughts where they can stay until you choose to take them out again. This can be anything – a box, a bag, a room, or whatever comes easiest to you. Then literally picture you putting those thoughts into this space and turning away. This leaves your mind free to concentrate on the important matters at hand.
Forget sex
Yep, we know this article is all about sex, but sex is so much more than the actual art of copulation. When was the last time you looked...really looked...at your partner’s face? Spend time simply looking at each other, touch them in a non-sexual way, stroke their face and trace the lines and wrinkles that you might not have even noticed. Drink in their appearance as well as how they feel. By concentrating on really seeing them, you are training your mind to look beyond the obvious, or the usual, and really opening your eyes to this person you love. Once you have mastered the art, you can apply it during sex, too, and you will see your partner through fresh eyes, how they are right now, in this moment, as opposed to how think they look when you imagine them.
Being amenable to learning in loving can lead to massive rewards in the relationship and can open you up to the most satisfying – dare we say, even exciting – sex you’ve ever experienced. By guarding your headspace, you will find that those little intrusive thoughts and voices in your mind are silenced, which can, in turn, make you and your partner much more willing to try new experiences you would never have even thought of before.