The FUN-damentals of BDSM
When Tina Arena sang about being in chains, she was singing it like it was a bad thing. Okay, so chains might be best reserved for experienced BDSMers (or those on America’s Got Talent who like being trapped in a Perspex box full of water) - but being bound can be a delicious addition to any couple’s sex life.
BDSM in a Cock Vise…Sorry, Nutshell
Thanks to mainstream media, specialist dating apps, and movies like the infamous Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM has come to the forefront and is no longer quite the taboo it once was; in fact, according to one survey, BDSM was the kink most fantasized about by both men and women, with 93% of the former and 96% of the latter having thought about partaking in one or more aspects of it.
So, what are those aspects?
BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism, and all are, at least on the face of it, pretty self-explanatory. However, BDSM is a huge Subject, with each category consisting of many other nuances.
But, in general, bondage is tying or being tied up, discipline is punishment, and dominance is exerting power over the other person. Submission is succumbing to dominance, sadism is getting off on inflicting pain, and masochism is getting off on receiving it.
As you can see, each category comes in pairs – the yin to the wang, if you like. For example, the sadist/masochist relationship, or sadomasochism, won’t work without one of each; one to inflict pain, and the other to receive it. The same applies to dominance and submission – one complements the other.
What a lot of people don’t understand about the BDSM lifestyle, though, is often there is no sex involved; sometimes, the roleplaying or assuming of the roles is enough of a turn-on in itself.
However, what is always present, without exception, is consent and respect. It seems, on the face of it, to be something of a misnomer talking about respect when there is pain and humiliation involved, but here’s the biggest secret of all: the submissive partner is always in charge.
How does that work, I hear you ask?
Well, before anyone even thinks about trying BDSM there needs to be a discussion, and this discussion should include boundaries on both sides, how far each one is willing to go, what is acceptable, what’s not acceptable, and the absolute agreement that when the Sub says game over, it’s game over.
And that’s where the safe word comes in.
The safe word is a word or phrase that, if uttered in a BDSM setting, means stop. It doesn’t mean maybe, it doesn’t mean ‘I’m not sure’. It means stop. The problem is, many people will say no when they mean yes during rough play, so a safe word needs to be something that can’t be misconstrued. It’s best to choose a word that has nothing to do with sex otherwise it could get lost in the heat of the moment. You could use, say, the name of a fruit. Banana? Hmm, it’s a bit phallic. Peach? Nope. Melon? Okay, maybe it’s best to choose a different word altogether.
The Traffic Light System
A safe method of relaying your feelings to your partner during BDSM is the traffic light system, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Red. Say ‘red’ during play and it means stop. Slam those brakes on and bring it to a grinding halt. This can be used when one partner (usually the Sub) is in too much pain, or in danger, or no longer gives consent to whatever is happening.
Amber. Saying amber (or yellow, whichever comes more naturally) indicates to your partner that you are almost at your limit. It could mean ‘proceed with caution’, ‘slow down’ or ‘take it easy for a while’ because although you are enjoying it, you’re teetering on the edge. It’s a warning to the Dom to be watchful for signs that it’s gone too far.
Green. Ah, the best color of all. Yell green with abandon and it’s telling your partner that they can keep on doing what they’re doing and even rev up the engine because you are totally enjoying the ride.
Can You Go a Little Deeper into What it Entails?
We can always go deeper.
If you are thinking about dipping your toe – or any other appendage – into the stormy waters of BDSM, it will help if you have a little working knowledge of how it’s done. BDSM is a vast subject and some of the more involved aspects will ‘come’ in time, but the basics are all the same:
Bondage
Bondage is the practice of tying, restraining, or binding a partner during a BDSM session. This can be as subtle or as blatant as you and your partner like, and it can be done with a variety of materials. A man might choose to use the tie he’s just taken off after a long day in the office, or maybe she might use the belt around her waist. It could be zip ties, handcuffs, leather cuffs, or duct tape. You could use rope (which can be exquisitely painful) or even chains. You can be tied to a chair, bed, or doorframe, or simply have your hands tied behind your back so you can’t touch.
Dominance
In a BDSM partnership there is an imbalance of power; that’s what makes it so much fun. The dominant person, or Dom, is the one with the upper hand, and this can be the man or the woman. Dominance can take many forms; it could include inflicting painful punishments like spanking, slapping, and whipping, or verbal such as hurling insults, shouting orders, or talking down to the submissive.
Submission
Also known as the Sub, the submissive part of the duo takes anything and everything the Dom throws at them. They succumb to the Dom’s orders. They allow themselves to be tied up or spanked, and accept the verbal punishments inflicted on them.
Sadomasochism
Sadism and masochism, or sadomasochism, is the giving and receiving of pain and gaining sexual pleasure from it. There are many degrees of pain with sadomasochism, from pinching and slapping, to hot wax and whipping. Some female Dooms even like to walk on their Sub’s prone body wearing stiletto heels. Every person’s pain levels are unique, which is why it is imperative that you discuss and respect each other’s boundaries.
Can BDSM Work in a Relationship?
Of course it can! BDSM is just like any other kink, and while some people choose to adopt it as an entire lifestyle and go to clubs and private parties, others prefer to practice it in the privacy of their own homes with their partner.
BDSM is exciting and bringing that excitement into your relationship can strengthen it immeasurably. But what about a partnership that gone a little off the boil? The good news is that BDSM can have some incredible benefits for a relationship that’s in trouble.
Communication. One of the first things to go in a relationship that’s heading south is communication; we just stop talking, which is the cornerstone of BDSM. It takes time to discuss what role it’s going to play in your lives, and you will need to work together to thrash out the thrashing, so to speak. You’ll need to talk about boundaries, fantasies, and safe words, roleplaying, the parts you both play, and equipment. Not only will you be working together, but you will be discussing things that will turn you both on.
Trust. Planning your BDSM activities and actually engaging in them requires a massive amount of trust. Regardless of which role you each play – Dom or Sub – you will be opening yourselves up to each other in a way you probably never have before. Admitting to your partner that you have always wanted to be submissive, for example, is a huge leap into the unknown, and revealing that about yourself is a true act of trust. There is also the roleplaying itself; the Sub has to implicitly trust their ‘master or mistress’ to abide by the safe words and the boundaries, and the Dom needs to know that they have their partner’s permission and that things that happen during a session will not be used in an argument.
Mental Health. It might surprise you to know that at one point, BDSM was regarded as a mental health issue. The tables have totally turned, though, because studies have shown that people who take part in BDSM are actually less neurotic, more extraverted, more conscientious, and are less sensitive to rejection. All of these can go a long way towards increasing the happiness and security within a relationship.
Why is BDSM Popular for Many Couples?
BDSM allows people to explore a side of themselves that they may have kept under wraps for a long time; it’s totally liberating. But BDSM also allows you both to be someone you’re not. It’s an escape.
After a long week of business meetings, hiring and firing, and sorting out company budgets, the freedom to come home and be a submissive can be a massive relief. Simply surrendering to another person’s will is an amazing feeling, and can provide the relief needed to stop the 9-5 from being completely overwhelming.
On the other hand, a stay-at-home mom or dad can counteract that feeling of always being at the family’s beck and call by taking on the personal of a Dom, cracking the whip (literally and figuratively) and calling the shots. In other words, BDSM can help to restore the equilibrium to those who are out of sync.